What is love anyway?

I was enjoying a soy latte at my favourite cafe last week, trying hard to manouevre my already sunburned face out of the hot aussie sun. From the table next to me, I overhead the cute gingerhead girl ask her mum as she pointed to the billboard opposite: 'Hes just not that into you' – Must see, newly released blockbuster movie.
'Mum', she asked, 'What does that mean?'
'Oh honey, its about love'
'Looove - what is love?' she quizzed her mum with that childlike real curiosity.

Cute, I thought...
Funnily, the Howard Jones lyrics instantly popped into my head – 'what is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway .....'
Kids have a knack for asking darn great questions dont they?. As I started to think about it more and more I wondered about my own experiences of love, that of my close friends, my parents, remembered what it meant growing up and what it means now as a woman in her 40's.

Growing up I remember love being painted magically in endless fairytales, poems, songs, romance novels and movies. It was a mystical feeling that promised to engulf you in a dizzying frenzy of emotion, delectable pink fairy floss and sugar coated cookies, a heavenly paradise where you were always the hero and could do no wrong. Hmm I thought, could it really be this?

Over the years and through my own experiences of love, the sugar coated bubble seemed to elude me – WHAT? How could those fairytales have gotten it so wrong?

I saw through the eyes of a young woman that it came wrapped up as many different gifts : it was a fascination, an addiction, a natural healthy emotion, a source of incredible dizzying joy, a place of fear and pain, all encompassing, nurturing, elusive, multifaceted, disguised, - was it really that complex, almost chameleon like? How would I possibly ever know which one was the real love?

So, what is love anyway? Who could I have asked back then that would really know? Do you know? What is love for you? If it had a color or shape what would that be? If you closed your eyes and felt it, what would it feel like? What words would you use to describe it? If it was a different word, what would that word be?

From the beginning of life as we know it, people have died for it, fought for it, sacrificed for it, hungered for it , cried for it, moved heaven and earth for it - could it really be so powerful that it has even gone on to shape and create history? WOW...and all this from a 4 letter word that seems to have been overtaken by another 4 letter word.

I began writing this as a foreward to 'How to move on from a breakup' and felt that was boring and too clinical. Love is not 'clinical', its a natural, innate, healthy feeling for every human being from the moment they are born and evolves through our life experiences, role models, society, religion, factors that influenced us when were were developing our our own beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world. For some it has been twisted and tortured into a macabre force so much so that many will pull out all stops to totally avoid it. As a coach I hear this in many disguises - commitment phobic, sabotage, jealous, mixed messages, controlling, procrastinator, shy, or hes' just not that into you rules'. Often this has resulted from some not so good experiences of love.

So how do you take a not so 'good' experience of love and be better equipped to handle the next experience of love that comes your way?

1. GROW FORWARD : How? Openess, honesty, awareness acceptance. Self awareness is the key first step. The relationships we have with others is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. If you find you keep getting the same old problems appearing in every relationship – stop, really think about it and ask yourself the tough questions. What is the learning here? What do I need to finally learn, let go of or stop tolerating so that this lesson will cease presenting itself.
2. TAKE TIME OUT: Some people make a habit of leap frogging from relationship to relationship. Wait. Its OK to be in a relationship, its OK to not be in a relationship. Be with friends who you love, who love you and think you are worthwhile. Take it one step further, learn how to love the core of who you are and learn in how many wonderful ways you are worthwhile. Use your time alone as a breather. Let go, exhale. Learn the lessons you are meant to be learning, grow, develop, work on yourself, so when love comes along it enhances your full and interesting life. Love shouldnt be the concern of our whole life or an escape from an unpleasant one.

3. GET SOME GOALS HAPPENING: Have fun and trust in the timing of things. Learn about your own needs and wants. Yes, you can love whoever you want whenever you want, but slow down and take the time to learn to love in a healthy way. Pay attention to what's happening. Love from your strengths not your weaknesses. Make good decisions every day on what you need to do to nurture and love yourself first. When the real you begins to surface, you will attract people you enjoy loving, people who enjoy loving and who challenge us to grow.

4. ITS OK TO SCUFF YOUR KNEES: From time to time you may lose your balance, you may take a couple of steps back. Be courageous. This is OK. Those old patterns of behaviour, which were old habits, may surface on occasion, certain circumstances and stress may provoke them. See it through, dont hide, rather be proactive in picking yourself up, talk to trusted friends, be patient and gentle with yourself. Always take care of you, no matter what happens – nurture, value, be grateful of and appreciate YOU. You can learn to love in a healthy way and you can even learn to have fun at the same time.


I wish you joy and fulfillment in love and life.

Sincerely
Your Dynamic Life Coach

Antoinette Sifis
Performance & Development Coach
Advanced Practitioner Life Coaching
Practitioner Neuro Linguistic Programming